June 30, 2005

Now that the band's got a blog, I guess I have to keep up? That's not really fair since it's 6 against 1, but I will do my best.

I just finished my stint as one of the judge's for Mid-Missouri Idol. Tonight's finale was a tough call, because there was a lot of talent onstage. The ultimate winner scored points with me because he wrote and arranged his own song for the competition. "Idol" is seemingly anti to everything I am striving for in my career, but I loved getting to hear all these great singers and it was admittedly a heck of a fun time. I'm so glad they asked me to be part of it...I met some fabulous people and had a bit too much of an amaretto sour tropical liquer after the show! So forgive me if this blog is rambling, nonsensical, or just plain random, it's the drink talking!

On a serious note, one of the reasons I've been out of commission on the blogs for a while is that our neighbor and good friend passed away just a few weeks ago, and it was devastatingly difficult. We visited him in the hospital the day before his death, and although it was a beautiful and comforting thing to get to say everything we wanted to say, and to see his cancer-riddled body finally escape into peace was a relief, it was so difficult to say that final goodbye. How do you turn your back that last time? I leaned over Maurice's bed, looked into his eyes, and promised him I'd be writing him a song, commemorating the way in which he touched so many lives. Polite and thinking of others 'til the end, he said, "why thank you!" He told us we could still keep mowing his lawn, and that he'd be keeping an eye on our houses, too. There we were, laughing even at the endtimes.

His family said the CD that was in his car stereo when they went through it after his death, was one of mine: Come In, Come In, I believe. While it brought me comfort to know he enjoyed my music, that CD also served as a painful reminder that he'd not drive in that car and turn on that stereo again. The tie that bound us on this earth was in some way represented by that CD, and now the bond is broken. We miss him very much.

It seems wrong to jump into any other topic from that one, in fact it is strange that I started this blog talking about Mid-MO Idol and THEN spoke of Maurice. I'm not going to erase the first part of this blog though....it was the vehicle that drove me to this point, and I think Maurice is the true story, what I really what I wanted to talk about. But it's so hard for me to face loss of any kind, I sometimes have to shut down all the pathways, all the outlets, all the songs, all the writing, all the stories, or it just hurts too much. I think of how hard it is to leave the house, look across the street, and know he won't ever come loping out of that house again. I think of our experience with him in the hospital during his last days, and it reminds me of being an eleven-year-old girl saying goodbye to my grandpa, who also died of cancer. All I could say at that time, through the fear and confusion, was "I love you Grandpa." Does he know I was there? He responded, and I wonder if it brought him any comfort, the only grandchild of 5 who was able to at least stand by his bedside and kiss his cheek. And then I think of my brother, to whom I never got to say goodbye, to whom I never even apologized for our last fight, whom I hadn't hugged for far too long, and I wonder if he and Grandpa are partying somewhere only they know.

OK....where did this come from? Obviously there's been more on my mind than I realized. But blog time must end for now, or this pathway will lead me to the cliff's edge! :) I have much more to write about, but in deference to those I've lost and am thinking about tonight, I will sign off and say to them: goodnight, sweet princes.

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